


Rearview Mirror

by lisedelorme



Category: Cardinal (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, But mostly angst, F/M, I’m sorry, and fluff here and there, angstttttt, but smut too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:01:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27117160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lisedelorme/pseuds/lisedelorme
Summary: John doesn’t do well with commitment, and Lise is tired of waiting. The struggles of their relationship will play out during both the past & the present...
Relationships: John Cardinal & Lise Delorme, John Cardinal/Lise Delorme
Comments: 20
Kudos: 20





	1. What Are We Doing?

_ Then_

He woke to her arm thrown over his waist and her fingers curled into the marred skin of his ribs. Cautious of disturbing her, he stretched out slowly and every joint seemed to protest the action, each dull pop an unkind reminder of the stark age difference between him and the beautiful young woman currently wrapped around him. 

As if reading his mind, Lise mumbled something indiscernible, tightening her grip, she pulled him closer, pressing her chest firmly into his side.

“ _M’bonjour chéri.”_

Her voice was low and throaty, a combination of a long night’s sleep and the deep Québécois roots he never seemed to get enough of.

“You should know most people don’t sound like that in the morning, and according to my watch, ‘afternoon’ might be more appropriate..”

She ran a hand through his hair, tracing her fingers lazily down the length of his neck. 

“Hmm? Sound like what?”

“Like... _you_.”

She slid one leg between his as her eyes roved over his face, an examination that made him feel naked - more so than he already was. 

He knew what she wanted but he wasn’t ready yet. He wasn’t sure if he ever would be...

They hadn’t had a chance to properly talk the night before, and that was on himbut to be fair, she hadn’t made it easy; not after opening the front door of her apartment, damp curls framing her flushed face, droplets of sweat beading her rosy skin. Her ensemble immediately tipped him off to her late night activities; legs swathed in a pair of skin tight yoga pants, the spandex of her sports bra rounding perfectly over each small, taut mound...  when she couldn’t sleep, she did yoga. 

They hadn’t slept together since their argument a week prior and he missed her body. He missed _her -_ more than hisheart cared to admit. He’d decided to make the trip down to Toronto on a whim, with a fierce need to see her driving him there. He needed to apologize, to make things right again. 

She had gazed up at him, her eyes so full of sadness yet still, miraculously, she seemed happy to see him. He lifted her weightless body into his arms, felt her legs lock effortlessly around his waist. Before he could capture her mouth with his she nipped harshly at his lower lip. 

“ _I know..._ ” He had whispered against her mouth, his palms  cradling her ass as he gently canted her pelvis into his. “I’m sorry.”

She sighed into his mouth, wordlessly forgiving him once more...

Now, as they lay there in bed together, he could tell she was deep in thought. So much so, he felt as if he could hear the words tumbling around in her head.

They had never been very good with words... 

He leaned forward and brushed a kiss along her shoulder, pressing his nose against her skin. She smelled like sex and honey. _Fuck_. He could feel the fire reignite in his veins, his body reawakening in her arms. Sometimes he felt twenty years younger with her; his libido seemingly out of control. 

“Are you going to stay for the weekend, or are you leaving soon?" She asked quietly.

He pulled back slowly to examine her face. Her eyes were downcast with barely there worry lines creasing her brow. It wasn’t exactly the question he was anticipating but he wasn’t all that surprised by it either. He knew he’dgiven her a thousand reasons to feel uncertain, reasons that had resulted in sentences left unfinished and important words left unsaid. Reasons that had resulted in her waking up alone in the middle of the night only to find the imprint of his body against the sheets and the faint smell of his cologne hanging in the air.

Reasons that had left her faith in him shaken. 

He ran his index finger along her cheek following the odd patterns pressed into her flushed skin, made by the sheets. She looked up, dark doe eyes attempting to read him before he even had a chance to speak.

“I'll stay if that’s something you still want, Lise.”

He could feel her muscles loosen, eased by such simple words. He gathered her up against his chest, burying his nose in her hair. 

_ Why did he do this to her? _

She was clearly anxious and Cardinal knew why. She was afraid he would leave - not just the city but _her,_ _their relationship_ , intimidated by how serious it was becoming. The sad fact was, she had every reason to worry because he _was_ intimidated by the seriousness of it. 

It wasn’t just his age and the idea that his presence in her life might hold her back from a promising future that deterred him but also the idea of freeing himself from his past, specifically from Catherine and the life they had built together... It was a lot.

He wanted to calm the anxious thoughts swirling in her mind, the ones he had planted there despite his best intentions. 

He trailed his fingers down her arm, drawing tiny soothing circles until she started to react, the heavy blanket of sleep falling further and further away. She tilted her head, her lips coming to brush along his scruffy cheek; barely there kisses that made his heart ache.

He surged forward, claiming her mouth, pressing his lips to hers. She whimpered when he wrapped a large hand around her neck and pulled her deeper into the kiss. Rolling them over he pinned her to the bed with his hips and chest but she pulled away, halting his actions.

He hovered over her on bent elbows staring into her dark and bottomless eyes, searching.

“We need to talk about what we’re doing...”

“We will.” he murmured, huskily

Her nails trailed abrasively down his spine, running over the curve of his ass and his eyes fell shut at the feeling of her fingers ghosting over his hips and up his ribs.

“John-“

”Later.”

She paused, and he could see how his abruptness had nicked her like a razor, gliding just a little too confidently over smoothed skin. He looked into her eyes and watched as she considered her options.

She could shut them down and send him packing... She could keep pushing, insist that they talk right then and there... Or, she could trust him; trust his _word_.

* * *

_Now_

He stands in the entryway, with his hands balledtightly at his sides and watches her chest heave, blood hot and thick in her veins.

“I can't be ‘de only one in this, John, I can't struggle to hold us together while you’re busy figuring out what it is that you want.”

“You knew who I was when we started this, Lise. You know my... history.” 

He tries to keep his voice calm and steady, attempting to seek some kind of balance but it’s virtually impossible with both of their emotions running higher than usual.

“You won’t ever let her go.  At least, not enough to let _me_ in.”

“I got rid of her clothes... that should be enou-”

“-No, it’s not!” she shouts, “It’s not enough!”

“You can't expect me to change- you can’t... expect me to- to forget about my wife just because we're sleeping together.”

He regrets his choice of words instantly. 

A sharp and tangible pain flashes quickly across her face before the anger settles in. The devastation of his words bring her a step closer and she releases a slow and shaky breath. 

“‘That’s what I am to you, eh? A quick _lay_ every now and again?” 

He blinks at her, eyes wide. 

“Lise that is  _not_ what I meant...” 

He can’t find the words to tell her that she is wrong. _So_ unbelievably wrong. She is so much more than that.. What they have is.. . _incredible_.

He hasn’t been able to find the words for months to tell her how much he adores her, how he feels like a person worthy of happiness when he’s with her, how she fills the empty spaces in his chest that he thought might remain cavernous for the rest of his life.

“I can’t compete wit’ a ghost.” She murmurs quietly, to herself.

His throat is thick and his heart rattles against his rib cage. A smothering panic begins to settle in like an old, familiar friend. 

_ Say something. _

She shakes her head in disbelief, mutters something in french.

If he could touch her... he could _show_ her how he feels. He could do  _that_ much. But she doesn’t want something physical from him right now, she wants _words_. Action. Change. _Commitment_. 

_Was she beginning to realize the true depth of his baggage? How damaged he actually is?_ Somewhere in the back of his mind a little voice sang a song of vindication... ‘ _She was bound to at some point...’ , ‘How could you have expected anything less?’_

Lise exhales in defeat, her small shoulders sagging as the fight drains out of her. The fury dissipates. The hurt fades. He watches the shutters go up behind her eyes.

“Okay, John.  _Okay_.”

Lise grabs her jacket from the coat rack, thrusting her hands into the front pockets. There’s a slight jingle and then without looking at him, she slides the key to his front door carefully off the ring, dropping it onto the oak table as if it’s made of molten lava. 

“Lise, _c’mon_. It’s the middle of the night. Don’t g-“

Her head lifts and she looks at him, obsidian eyes shining with unshed tears.

“ _Mon cœur est à toi même si tu le brises.”_

He doesn’t speak French but he can tell that her words are formed from the tiny, jagged fragments of a broken heart and really, that was the only thing that mattered. 

She swipes at the single traitorous tear that spills over her cheek as she walks out the door.

Cardinal stands there, motionless, in his living room, fighting the urge to go after her. To offer her his battered and bloodied heart.

It’s hers. 

_He_ is hers, despite what either of them seem to want...


	2. Potential For Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelly has something to say about certain recent events...

_ Now_

The water’s hot. _Scalding_. His skin turns beat red as he stands under the spray. It  burns, but not enough. Not nearly enough to make the image of her walking away any less painful. He can’t stop thinking about the fact that she never looked back.

The air is thick with steam; heavy and overwhelming, as he steps out, wrapping a towel around his waist, slowly drying himself off in what feels like a trance. His eyes are glued to Lise’s purple toothbrush, lying next to his own on the bathroom counter.

The memory of her first trip back to Algonquin since moving to Toronto crosses his mind...

_ They stood there, side by side in his tiny bathroom, brushing their teeth, staring animatedly at one another in the mirror. Her lilting laugh filled the room as she watched toothpaste gather in his moustache and beard, creating a white, minty foam. _

_ “Hmph?” his eyebrows raised, questioningly _

_ “You look a bit like Santa Clause.” she smirked around the bristles of her brush _

_ His eyes danced with mirth before dipping down to press a messy kiss against her lips in retaliation, catching her off guard in the process. She squealed out his name in protest, squirming in his arms. _

_ “John! I swear to god...” _

_ They’d made love shortly after rinsing... _

He shakes the image from his mind and opens the medicine cabinet above him, in search of his deodorant. Immediately his eyes zero in on the small, crystalline bottle of perfume sitting at the top of the shelf. 

Catherine’s perfume. 

He runs his fingertips gently over the cool, hard edges before pulling it down. His eyes dart from the toothbrush to the bottle. An internal struggle ensues. It feels like a betrayal to Lise, somehow. But he relents, spritzing the clear liquid to his wrist. He lifts his hand to his face and inhales deeply; the sensation of his wife’s lingering presence is practically palpable.

He forces himself to return the bottle back to its home on the shelf.

_ Why was he standing here, toying with impossible ideas? He should’ve thrown the damn bottle away a long time ago, purged himself of the past. _

He  should be focusing on his future, instead. With  _ Lise _ . But he is not that person. He doesn't do things like that.

Which is  exactly the problem.  It’s why he’s alone.

* * *

He spent the day moping around his pathetic little apartment, trying to find ways to occupy his mind. It was times like these that he really did miss having work as a distraction...

Retirement was lonely. And  _ boring _ . 

John stares sullenly at the lock screen of his phone, wanting nothing more than to text her, to apologize.  _Again_.

Instead, he finds himself mesmerized by the image set as his wallpaper. It was taken months ago... Lise decked out in his secondhand hiking gear, sticking her tongue out in jest. He’d made a comment about the view -  _ the view being her  ass _ _..._ as she took the lead in front of him.

That day had been one of his  favourites with her. Lise had decided to come up for the long weekend and they spent their Saturday afternoon trekking the trails around the Agimac River, the rushing water and birdsong, their only company. The air was so clean it bit at their nostrils with each deep inhale.

The rugged landscape never failed to take his breath away, no matter how many times he drank it in. It felt like  _ home _ . He had spent so much time out there after losing Catherine, finding solace in walleye fishing, working through the loss and utter heartbreak on his own.

Lise had never spent any time in the area recreationally, and seeing it all for the first time through her excitable eyes had been an unforgettable experience for him.

His thumb hovers over the screen.

He can’t do it. No matter how much he wants to. The potential for hurt on both sides is just too great.

Suddenly, his daughter’s name fills the screen accompanied by her lilting ringtone.

A sudden wave of claustrophobia overtakes him, pressing down on his body. Cardinal isn’t particularly looking forward to the inevitable inquisition he’ll be forced to sit through, but truthfully, even  _ that _ seemed a better prospect than sitting at his kitchen table, staring into his partner’s eyes, frozen in time.

* * *

_ Then _

”Maybe we should tell Kelly..”She murmured against his chest, her head rising and falling in sync with his lungs.

Lise curled her fingers into the waistband of his boxers and closed her eyes against the bright rays of the morning sun peaking through her bedroom window.

”That we’re...  _ togedder _ ,” she clarified when he failed to respond. Her accent was always adorably thick in the earlier hours of the day.

 _ ”Mmm,”  _ he grumbled, his throat dry and raspy with sleep. He cupped the back of her head with his hand, the warm weight of her against his belly pleasing beyond belief.

“ _This_ weekend?”

Lise twisted her body, her breasts slipping over the curve of his ribs.

”Oui... we’re all in the same city, we could tell her over dinner?”

”Maybe we should, er... wait.”

She looked up at him with genuine confusion and hurt painted across her face.

“Wait for what?”

“Well, I mean... we’re not even living together, so it’s not like she has to know."

”No...” she trailed, quietly “She doesn’t  _ have  _ to know... I guess I just thought-“ She stopped herself short, feeling vulnerable and embarrassed.

He knew what she would have said. ’I thought you would _want_ her to.’

He rolled them over, pinning her to the bed with his hips and she looked up at him with a smoldering stare, running her hands down his back when he rolled his hips against her; hard and hot, through two layers of clothing.

His body bowed away from her, arching as he dragged his open mouth across her chest, licking and nipping at her collarbone.

“I- ”

He cut her off when he tugged her nipple into his mouth, his tongue sliding hot and wet over her pebbled skin. She gasped, sucking in air at the unexpected pleasure. His hands braced her wrists, fingers curling easily around her delicate bones. Her body arched underneath his, breasts straining against the hard press of his chest.

_ ”I love how warm you are in the morning.” _

Her lips grazed his as he spoke, his words pouring into her open mouth. He twitched his hips and she moaned, her leg rising to slither over his waist, pulling him in closer.

Cardinal shifted above her, dragging the fingers of his right hand down her arm, the tips barely skimming over her skin.

” _Mnm,don’t stop._ ” she crooned, sweetly

His hand swept along the side of her breast, thumb and forefinger twirling gently around her nipple. She was so beautiful. The way she looked up at him with such _reverence_...

“Okay.  Let’s tell her tonight.”

Lise’s head popped up, delight shining in her eyes. The corners of his mouth tugged upwards, pulling his lips into an involuntary curve.

“Yea?”

“Yeah,”

It was difficult to deny her anything, especially with her naked body splayed out beneath him. He watched her face as she stared up at him, and he felt _three_ _ very _ _heavy words_ clog deep at the bottom of his throat.

His fingers tightened around her wrist as he pushed up over her, the fingers of his free hand dipping under the waistband of her panties.He could say it with his body, give her every bit of his soul and pray that it was enough.  _ For now. _

Her hips pitched violently off the bed in response.

* * *

_ Now_

Cardinal reluctantly answers the call, bracing himself; Lise may have already filled his daughter in on.. _recent events_. 

They were close and spent time together often. The two women weren’t the type to have large groups of friends, or even small ones, really, but the big city could get lonely and Lise only lived a few minutes away from his daughter, making it easy to head over to one another’s whenever they felt the need for company.

“Hey, sweetie,” he smiles, injecting a false airiness to his voice.

The line remains quiet for a beat longer than normal.

“Hi, Dad.”

“How’s my girl?”he asks, hesitantly

"You weren’t going to tell me about it, were you?"

_Shit._ He exhales heavily.

“No.”

“Any of it?”

“No.”

“Have you at least talked to her since then?”

“No, I haven’t, I-”

_ ”Why the hell not?” _

“There's nothing to talk about, Kel.” he answers, tiredly.

She scoffs.

Cardinal steels himself for what is to come. If his daughter is anything like her mother - _and she is_ \- it won’t be pleasant. 

”Dad.  You need to stop th-“

“Kelly, can we do this later? Another time? I don’t want to fight with you.”

“You can go back to pretending everything’s fine after you hang up but for the next two minutes you are going to _listen_ to me.”

Cardinal sits there, mutely, a tacit acceptance.

“You're being  ridiculous.” Kelly launches, “One fight and you quit? One fight and you’re d-“

He can’t help himself. He interjects without thought. 

“It wasn’t  _one_ fight, it was... it wasn’t even a fight.. Lise and I don’t  _fight._ ” he interjects, an edge to his voice.

“Fine, it wasn’t a ‘ _fight_ ’,” He can practically  _hear_ her eyes rolling on the other end of the line. “It doesn’t even matter. Call it a  _conversation_ if that makes you feel better but you’re still acting like an ass.”

He leans back in his chair, the urge to cross his arms defensively over his chest stronger than ever but he has the phone in his hand so he settles for white knuckling his coffee mug on the table instead.

“Why do you want to live in the past and put your relationship with Lise in jeopardy like this? Wouldn’t you rather move forwards? _With_ her?”

“Are we done?”

His blood is boiling. It was a mistake to answer her call.

“ _No_. Not in the slightest.Do you think that I don’t miss mom too? I do.  _Every_ _single_ _day_. Do you think that it’s easy for me to see you with another woman? It’s  not. But I _love_ Lise and she’s  _good_ for you.”

His gaze drops to his feet at her words.

“I think you’re just punishing yourself-“

“- _for_ _ what?”_

”- _ for accepting that Lise is good for you too!” _

Their words overlap, heatedly.

”I think you feel guilty about accepting the fact that she  _might_ just be better for you than Mom ever was. I think you knew it from the moment you met her and I think you _hate_ yourself for it.”

Cardinal opens his mouth to respond but finds himself at a total loss for words.

His heart races. They both breathe heavily into the phone, wrought with a shared fury until the fight in him begins to wan.

“That’s... that’s _not_ -“ he exhales slowly, shoulders sagging, “Look, I uh- I think I should go, Kel.”

“Yeah, do what you do best, Dad. _Run and hide_.”

The line went dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, aeryn_sun has supplied us with some RIDICULOUSLY angsty angst today, so I figured I’d join in the cruelty and really dig the knife in!! 
> 
> [I know I haven’t replied to any comments yet but I promise I fully intend to! Thanks for joining me for another hellishly sad chapter :)))]


	3. Shaky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things continue to spiral...

_ Then_

They had a long, lazy shower together, using the heat of their touch to wake each other up rather than the hot flow of water overhead. Afterwards, he left her in the bathroom to finish up getting ready and took the opportunity to quietly get dressed and gather his things. 

When she came out of the bathroom again, she was still in a towel and despite having just thoroughly had her only moments ago, he still couldn’t help but stare at her, his shoe hanging limp in his hand. She caught him staring and smiled, coyly.

He flushed and turned his attention back to his shoe, yanking the knotted lace a little harder than necessary. 

”Where're you going?”

She scrubbed her hair with a second, smaller towel before tossing it on the bed and moved across the room towards her closet. He watched her wet curls bounce in different directions, feeling mesmerized by every single inch of her.

“Home.” he husked, quietly.

“Quoi?”

”I-“ He stumbled, fingers fiddling with the loose edge of the pillow case. “I don’t think I should stay.”

Her hand rested on the towel at her chest, fingers curling in tightly.  Cardinal sighed and pushed up off the bed, dragging a hand through his own damp, messy hair.

”I think you should visit with your parents... alone.”

She stared at him, her jaw tense and flexing, eyes tracing over his face. 

He wanted to turn away from her uncomfortable examination, to walk out of the room and hide from her all too knowing gaze. After a long moment, she took a step towards him, the hand on the towel going slack.

”You don’t want to meet them.”

”I didn't say that.”

”You didn't have to, John. You don’t want to lock yourself into anything.”

She wasn’t completely off the mark but there were other reasons he was fleeing too. He refused to speak about those ones. It was all too embarrassing for him to even think about. 

John had seen various photos of Lise’s parents over the years, throughout her apartment in Algonquin - and now this one. His gaze locked on her father, every time. He was fairly sure the man was around the same age as him–if not _exactly_. 

Cardinal’s curiosity had gotten the better of him one slow afternoon at work and he’d done a little digging. 

To his great dismay, he quickly realized the year Lise was born turned out to be the very same year he had married his wife. 

While Lise was breastfeeding, he was saying ‘I do’.

He couldn’t stop himself after that, his mind began running rampant; dates flying around left and right.

When Cardinal was welcoming his baby girl into the world, Lise was going into the eighth grade, still a child herself. 

When he was climbing the ranks from beat cop to homicide detective, Lise was attending her high school prom, possibly losing her virginity in the back of the quarterback’s car. 

_Christ_. He was old enough to be her father and the thought alone made him nauseous. How would _her_ father feel about that? His daughter bringing around some greying, weathered, middle-aged widower...

Cardinal considered how _he_ would feel if _Kelly_ brought home some older guy to meet him and his fists had instantly balled at his sides, knuckles whitening from the strain. 

Yanking the towel frustratedly from around her body, Lise tossed it onto the bed and stalked back to the closet, throwing the doors wide open. Cardinal couldn’t help but let his gaze wander, sliding down the slight plane of her back, over the perfect swell of her ass. His body reacted to her against his own will, he could feel himself growing painfully hard, desire and want churning low in his stomach. He was amazed at the power this woman wielded over his libido. Never in his life had Cardinal felt so hungry for another person’s body. It pulled him forwards, moved him into her orbit with outstretched fingers. 

She flinched when he swept his hands over her sides, his lips skimming along the edge of her shoulder blade.

”That’s not true, Lise.” he rasped, his arms slipping around her waist, large hands coming to rest low on her stomach- “Just... not yet.”

She sighed deeply but didn’t respond, her body was tense under his hands, arms hanging limply at her sides. Cardinal swallowed down his own sigh and dropped his head, let his forehead rest against her shoulder as he continued, his words spoken softly into her skin. 

“I'm not... _used_ to this. I need more time.”

Her hands covered his, warm and reassuring. He drew on the feeling, let it loosen his tongue. 

“I just want us to be _us_ without... an audience. I want a little more time, just you and me.”

His fingers twined through hers and he tugged, pulling her back more firmly against his chest. He brushed a kiss across the nape of her neck, her skin warm and damp under his lips. 

“Okay,” she agreed softly, and tugged one of his hands up to press a hot kiss to the backs of his fingers. Cardinal pulled her hands from his grasp and spun her around, pinning her naked body between him and her dresser. 

“ _Oh, but you have enough time to stay for ‘dis though_.” She said, cheekily.

Pushing up on her tiptoes she twitched her hips against his and laughed as he hummed into her cheek.

* * *

_Now_

“I need to talk to you."

"Yep. So talk."

"Not on the phone."

"Cardinal. Talk, _please_."

* * *

_Then_

He was still getting used to the feeling of being near her, touching her. Still marvelled at the way he was able to lose himself in her. The way her hand slotted almost perfectly into his. How her skin felt beneath his hands, soft and smooth against his calloused fingers. She calmed him. The serenity of their silences, long and comforting, words superfluous the way they’d always been.

They sat close to one another in the booth at the table and he heard Lise sigh contentedly as she flipped through the menu. Happiness flowed warm in his veins.

”I still cant believe this is the first time we’re doing this, just the two of us.” 

“Well...” he trailed, quietly “Maybe if I had the balls, I would’ve asked you sooner.” 

She laughed, her eyes shining with an airy happiness that mirrored his own. His lips danced down her cheek and she tilted her face into him, let him briefly press his lips to hers. Pulling away he watched her cheeks dimple and felt his heart leap in his chest. 

“John? Is that you?”

Cardinal’s body went completely still, a cold fist clenched in his chest, icy tendrils of panic and dread crept down his spine. He knew that voice. 

“Keith!” Cardinal met the eyes of the man standing before them, injecting a little too much false optimism into his voice. He could feel Lise tense at his side, automatically sensing the change in behaviour. 

“How are you? It’s been a little while..”

“Not since the funeral.”

”Right,” Cardinal confirmed, nervously.

”You gonna introduce me to your friend here?”

Keith’s focus shifted to Lise and Cardinal watched the way his eyes greedily scanned her body with a little too much eager appreciation. It instantly made his blood boil. He felt protective of her. _Possessive_. It pissed him off that he felt these things about a woman more than capable of taking care of herself. She worked the highest profile homicide cases in the province–she held _rank_ , she worked her ass off to get to where she was and not for some guy to stand there looking at her like she was a piece of meat and nothing more. He probably would’ve growled if he wasn’t doing everything in his power to remain calm and collected. 

“This is uh-“ Cardinal’s mind suddenly went blank.

How was he supposed to introduce her to _his dead wife’s_ _cousin_. As his _girlfriend_? Is that what she was? His... _significant other?_ The title alone made him cringe inwardly. Nothing seemed appropriate. She was just... _Lise_.

 _His_ Lise. 

And what would Catherine’s family think of him seeing someone else already? Canoodling with another woman in a fancy restaurant like two teenagers in love, when Catherine had been murdered not even two years prior.

”This is-“ _painful_ , finished Cardinal in his mind.

“Lise, hi.” she said with a natural ease Cardinal had never possessed in his entire life, “We worked together in Algonquin Bay.” she explained, rising slightly to offer the man her small hand.

”Oh, right, yeah. You must’ve known Catherine then? I’m her cousin, Keith.”

He had to hand it to her, Lise didn’t falter, not even for a second. 

“I did. She was an amazing woman.”

Cardinal’s heart felt as if it was tearing in two.

”She was.” he thanked Lise for her kind words before giving her another shameless once-over. After a bit more awkward small talk, he wished Cardinal well and said his goodbyes. 

The two sat there afterwards in silence, no appropriate words coming to mind.

Before he knew it, Lise was up and out of her seat, tugging on her parka and fleeing the restaurant like the place was on fire. 

His reaction was delayed and by the time he had caught up to her outside, it was too late. He hesitantly rested his hand on her shoulder with gentle pressure but she edged away from his touch. 

Lise closed her eyes and pulled in a deep breath, visibly trying to clear her mind. 

He wanted to speak, to apologize for his lack of words but ironically that very explanation found itself lodged in his chest... as usual. 

Lise pushed out a sigh and dropped her head back, measuring her breathing with deep inhales and long, drawn out exhales.

She finally opened her eyes and he could see the shadows of hurt she was trying desperately to mask. For _him_. _Christ, why was she still trying not to hurt him when he was actively doing the opposite to her?_

He truly hated himself in that moment. 

They caught a cab back to her place, neither saying a word for the mercifully short journey. 

She unlocked the door to her apartment on the second floor and flung it open with wild abandon. Cardinal felt as if waves of heat should be rippling from her body, tendrils of smoke from the fire clearly raging inside of her. 

“Lise.”

She swivelled on the spot and held his gaze with such intensity, such passion... his love for her in that moment was _formidable_. 

He watched as something inside of her seemed to snap and she closed the distance between them, reaching both arms around his neck to pull him down into a desperate, seeking kiss.

His body resisted for a moment, unsure. His lips were tight together as her tongue swiped out against them, his arms remaining stiff at his sides. But there was no holding back when the woman you were hopelessly, desperately in love with kissed you like that.

It was impossible. 

He hummed against her mouth and then finally relented. His hands were on her back, in her hair, his lips parting, his tongue pressing roughly against hers as he opened for her. He pulled her tight against him, drawing her in, holding her up.

Anytime he was with her it was like every crack in his soul seemed to mend, filling with waves of love and desire and a sense of... _home_. They crashed into him, these feelings, overwhelming his body and mind. 

He had always been a stronger man with her at his side. Yes, fine, he was strong on his own too. He managed. But he could no longer argue with the force of their synergy. It was undeniable.

He pulled back suddenly to find her eyes and the look she gave him... it was like she hated him and loved him all at once. Her pupils were dilated, her cheeks flushed. He couldn’t stop staring at her swollen lips, bruised from his ruthless attack. 

She was shifting things inside of him.  He didn't want to push her away anymore.  He wanted to take her to bed, and he wanted them to drown together, feel what it meant to love someone so deeply it actually, physically hurt. He wanted to share that sense of longing and know that she existed in the same space, in the universe.

He pushed her backwards towards the bedroom, his hands working furiously at the buttons of her coat, moving to the zipper of her pants. She went from threading her fingers roughly through his hair, to squeezing his biceps, to helping him shuck her clothes off.

His mouth was alive against her—tongue delving deep, teeth trapping her lower lip, nose pressing into her cheek. He couldn't get enough of her.  He stripped off his button-down dress shirt and pants. 

They were in this now; a heady, high-strung emotional rollercoaster that neither could dismount if they wanted to.

He was bare before her when she slid down her last article of clothing, a tiny, lacy little thong that he had never seen before.

His stomach muscles clenched at the sight of her. She was _so fucking beautiful_. She could have any man - _or woman_ \- on earth, why would she want to be with him? Especially after everything he had put her through. 

He backed her up towards the bed without kissing her, keeping his distance from her lips, watching her closely. With a slight push of his hips, she fell back across the mattress and he crawled up the length of her body, pulling the downy comforter around them as he did.

The room was dark save for the light of the the cityscape shining through the slats in her blinds. It gave them both an unforgiving bluish tint.

She had been run ragged for days now, he could see that. She was physically and mentally depleted from not only their relationship but the current case she was working on top of it all. He probably hadn't slept much either, she thought, judging by the dark circles beneath his eyes and the slight hollowness of his cheeks. 

But this was _them_ , and this was how they would take each other.

Hesitation claimed his face once more as his eyes roved over her bare figure but she grabbed him by the hips, urged him forward until his fingers were digging into her thighs and he was pushing inside her with a fervour she had never witnessed before.

Her arms instinctively locked around his neck, her nails like talons in the flesh of his back, keeping her body crushed against his while she hid her face in his shoulder and attempted to breathe steadily through the feel of him pulsing heavily inside of her. 

He tried to keep a slow pace at first, pulling out of her only to glide back in, smoothly. But she refused to allow him to turn this into some sort of tender act of lovemaking, not now. She jabbed her heels into his legs, twisting her hips and relished in the groan that tumbled from his mouth.

There was nothing but the feeling of him slamming into her then, the rock of her hips into his, the slap of skin and the cries of pleasure. They found rhythm with ease, sloppy and desperate, already so good at this. As if this was something to be good at...

His fingers scorched a path of fire down her stomach, dipping lower and lower, past her belly button, the jut of her pelvic bone, over the small mound of fine, curly blonde hair, finally his fingers parted her lips. He never stopped plunging into her, just circled her swollen clit in perfect timing with each thrust. He would use his fingers, his mouth, his cock - every part of him to wipe her mind of everything else – her job, his constant desertion and all the hurt that came with it, the idea that this may be all she would ever get from him.

Her hand migrated to his hair, tangled in the spiky locks and tugged roughly. He molded his lips to hers and matched the stroke of her tongue to the rhythm of his thrusts. She felt his thumb rise to sweep across the corner of her eye, his palm gently cradling her jaw while the other hoisted her thigh up higher. She was forced her to break the seal of their mouths to whimper loudly; the change in angle, dizzying. 

She said his name over and over like a benediction. They could be _so_ good together. If he would just give himself over to her like this in other aspects of their relationship... 

She ducked her head to his shoulder and bit down on his skin to muffle the sob coiled low in her abdomen. It was curling tighter and tighter and she felt like she might just snap in half.

She arched into him, and cried out, her vision going white as she fell apart in his arms. She drowned in waves of pleasure and pain and held him through each jerk and thrust until he came, hot and heavy inside her. 

She dragged her nails from his skin hiding the quivering of her fingers poorly and watched them trail over the muscle of his bicep beside her head.

Lise pushed on his shoulder and he gently eased out of her, keeping his eyes lowered. When he released her, he smoothed his fingertips over the already bruising skin of her thigh. He felt bad for marking her that way. 

But she knew she had left her own marks; her teeth on his shoulder, the crescent shaped indentations inevitably covering his back.

She rolled over onto her side, facing the window, stifling the tears that threatened to spill at any moment. She refused to be ‘ _the woman who cries after sex_ ’.

When she didn’t feel the warmth of his arms enveloping her, tugging her back into the hard wall of his chest, she knew he had taken the hint.

Her silence had hurt him, she didn't have to look to see the pain in his eyes. She could feel his body physically deflate beside her but he remained on his back staring up at the ceiling in pensive silence. A few minutes passed before he finally spoke, 

"Should I go?" He asked, quietly.

Lise said nothing. She was done guiding him through each and every blip in their relationship. At some point he had to take the reigns.

When Lise woke up the next morning, he was gone. 

* * *

_Now_

_“_ I cant do this. Lise, I-“ he stops himself.

Why can’t he say it? They’re just three little words. He _feels_ them, she _has_ to know that he feels them. So why is _saying_ them so hard?

”John, you never wanted this life, and that’s okay. I should’ve recognized that sooner,”

He wants to interrupt her, to tell her she’s wrong but she’s on a roll.

“Do you remember that day in Toronto, we were walking back to the car and you said, ‘that was another life’ and I said ‘but you can start a new one’? Your silence was an answer. A loud answer. I just didn’t want to hear it.”

“I can change.”

”No, Cardinal, you can’t.” she said, sadly.

He hears a long, shaky exhale before the line goes dead. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y’all knowingly boarded the angst train, I hope you didn’t think we were making any pit stops at ‘happily ever after’ land...


	4. Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Past and present begin to veer into the same lane...

_ Now_

He jerks awake suddenly, head spinning. 

Upon cracking open his eyes, Cardinal is immediately met with the bright orange morning sun, its rays streaming through the open blinds. He groans, his mouth bitter and full of cotton. Two strong Advil and a large glass of water will be necessary in order for him to feel even semi-human again. He pushes himself up from the couch, straightening his twisted jeans and righting the t-shirt that's pulled taut across his abdomen. 

_ Christ, he must have passed out... _

He stumbles into his bedroom to strip off yesterday’s clothes and heads for the shower.

The scalding water pounds against his neck, loosening every tense and achy muscle.  His head feels as fuzzy as his mouth does and truthfully, he still feels a little drunk—which makes sense considering he’d only just fallen asleep mere hours ago.

He drank a bit too much whiskey—more than he’d intended to, that much was clear and after finally giving in to exhaustion, he'd tossed and turned fitfully, dreaming of her... telling her how much he _needed_ her, pleading with her to give him a second chance. 

Well... not a second chance, she had already given him one of those... _a third, a fourth, a fifth?_

There’s a sharp stabbing pain at the thought of never seeing her again, of never holding her or touching her... and then, of _another_ man possibly holding her or touching her. 

_Fuck_.

He _hated_ that thought and worked hard to push it from the forefront of his mind.

Instead, he recalled a moment from their past, one that Lise probably never thought much about but Cardinal certainly did. 

It was the morning after he'd been shot and he was lying there in that hospital bed, still alive because of her—and the surgeons, of course, who had worked their asses off all evening to keep his heart beating.

Lise had tread lightly into his room, cautious of disturbing him and maybe it was the heavy pain killers or his already high-strung emotions but she looked... _ethereal._ Like some kind of angel sent from up above _._ And then— _even then,_ when he was still very much married and in love with his wife, he was head over heels for her too. The feeling unmistakable... _tangible_.

She had sat down at his bedside and he knew, instantly just by the look on her face that she had figured him out—figured out each and every intricate little lie he had weaved. She must have stepped back while he was incapacitated, gained more perspective by taking a long, hard look at his impressive web of fabrications and falsehoods. She'd gazed at him with those dark chocolate irises and he felt himself melt a little.

And then she threatened to tear it all apart.

He had begged her, cried like a baby, told her he _needed_ Catherine. 

_Needed_.

There was that word again—possibly the trigger for this particular memory...

Maybe he hadn’t fully understood the weight of such a word. Had he _needed_ Catherine? After she’d died, he was heartbroken, of course—all that remained was a shred of a man and it stayed that way for a very long time but he _had_ begun to heal, with help.

_Her_ help.

And despite the trauma and the pain and the heartache his life currently seemed to be wrought with, _even now_ , he was so much better than he was after Catherine.

So, had he _needed_ his wife? No. 

He’d not only survived losing her but his heart was still whole enough to love another—even if it _was_ from a distance...

As Cardinal stood under the spray of water, he applied the same logic to Lise and instantly felt himself begin to crumble. He wasn’t sure he _would_ survive. He did need her; _his partner._

Lise just so happened to be the only person on the planet who seemed to understand him. Who, up until then, had never given up on him. She saw his darkness, his scars, all of his ugly personality traits and she had stuck by him anyways, somehow finding a way to love him despite them all. Or maybe... maybe, even _because_ of them.

How could he possibly go on— _heal_ , ever feel whole again without her?

Tears prick against the backs of his eyes and for the first time, he lets them fall. He presses both palms flat to the cool tiled wall in front of him, holding himself steady and bows his head as the tears run over his cheeks, hot and fast, and his shoulders shake with deep, wracking sobs.

He stands there under the scalding water, mourning his wife, mourning the life they shared—not the one before her death, but the one before her _illness._ The life that had been dead and gone long before Lise had ever come into the picture.  He stands there, letting Catherine go, allowing only a part of her memory to remain, locked away in a box, stored at the very back of his mind. 

He doesn’t need her personal things, not when he has their _daughter_. 

Kelly would always carry a part of his wife inside of her and not just in her DNA, but in her personality. In her _drive_ and her _passion_. In her _heart_ and _soul_. The way she _loves_. The way she _fights_.  _ All he needs in this life is his family—his daughter and his partner. _

The water eventually runs cold and his eyes run dry. 

He _loves_ her and he’s never told her that. Never allowed himself to fall—to fully surrender to the feelings. _Need_ was a weakness that had left him vulnerable in the past. _Exposed_. Keeping that feeling at bay became his way of life. It was the way he kept his heart safe and giving it up had never been an option.

But Lise—he’s needed her for far longer than he ever cared to admit and she has always been there for him. _Always_ shown up, unfailingly so; persistent in her love. 

_ Until he broke her spirit with his cowardice. _

Climbing out of the shower, he slams the water off and dries himself hastily, the need to make it right burns bright in his veins. 

_He’s been a_ _giant_ _fucking_ _idiot_. 

He'd held his heart just out of her reach out of _fear_ and a completely wrongheaded notion that he was ‘protecting her’ somehow. John scoffs at himself as he yanks a pair of sweatpants on over his boxers. 

Hiding, he decided, was no longer an option.

Tugging on a light henley, he goes in search of his cell phone. He has plans to make... people to call. He won't drive to Toronto, show up at her door unannounced... not this time. Sweeping declarations aren’t the answer and he’s realizing now that they never were. 

They have to _talk_. He has to put in the _work_ , _prove_ to her that she can trust him when he says he’ll never leave again. 

If she gives him another shot, he’ll vow to spend the rest of his life proving to her just how much she means to him.

But first, he has to get a few things in order...

* * *

_Then_

The pot on the stove boiled over as she stood there staring at him, the water hissing, ominously as it sizzled on the stovetop.

The look on his face was incredulous.

“You told them I would _go_? _Without asking me_?”

“ _Non_ , I told them that I would _ask_ you about it but that I didn't think it would be an issue.”

He stood on the other side of her kitchen, bracing himself on the island with his palms flattened against the cool marble, never taking his eyes off of her. 

“I didn't think it would be. _J'aurais peut-être dû mieux connaître.”_ She muttered the last bit in french and even though he couldn’t understand the words, her sarcastic tone was translation enough.

Lise turned back to the stove, flipping off the burner and grabbed the pot, sucking a gasp of air through her teeth as the hot metal burned her palm.

“ _Câlisse_!” She cursed loudly, dumping the overcooked pasta into the strainer in the sink. 

The pot clattered loudly against the stainless steel and she instantly ran cool water over her quickly reddening palm, still angling her torso back to face him. 

“Cardinal, it’s a _wedding_ — _t_ _abernac, that hurt!—_ three hours, if that. It’s not a big deal.” 

“It’s not-" he inhaled deeply through his nose and  pushed off from the island, coming over to stand next to her at the sink, his hip brushing alongside her midsection. 

“I haven’t seen my cousin in two years, John,” she said, quietly, “My family won’t let up."

Her soft voice was enough to melt his grouchy demeanour and he plucked her hand from beneath the running water, grabbing a dish towel to gently pat her palm dry. He peered closely at the long patch of raised skin. 

He clicked his tongue against his teeth, quietly “ _Oh, honey..._ this doesn't look good. We should put something on it before it gets worse.”

She looked up at him then, a warm but somewhat unreadable expression on her face; surprise mixed with... pleasure? But that didn’t make any sense, she had no reason to be pleased about anything in that moment. A few silent seconds passed before she reluctantly allowed him to lead her towards the bathroom. 

“The wedding is almost two months away,” she continued, “we have time to figure things out.” 

_ She wasn’t going to let this go, that much was clear. _

“Lise, you know that I’m busy with getting the cabin built right now and you’re so busy with this new case... I just- I can't afford the distraction.”

“ _Distraction_? John," she narrowed her eyes, her brow furrowing, "it's _one_ night. Do you really think it’s where I want to be either?”

He gently pushed on her shoulders until she sat down on the closed lid of the toilet and he eased into a crouch in front of her. R eaching up without a second thought he brushed a stray curl out of her line of vision and tucked it neatly back behind her ear. 

“All you have to do is put on a suit, drink some champagne and make small talk.”

“With your _family_.” He concluded.

He could feel her watching him as he rummaged in the medicine cabinet, and he pushed away the warm feeling it reinforced in his chest. 

“‘Dat’s ‘de only reason why my parents even want me there... so I can introduce you.” She murmured, quietly. 

Her accent was growing thicker; a tell when it came to her temperament. Anytime it was heavy enough to alter the way she spoke, it signalled an overpowering of emotions strong enough to break her usually unbreakable resolve. She hated how see through it made her, but he had a soft spot for it—even if it did mean an argument was on the horizon...

Cardinal sat down on the edge of the tub, first-aid kit clenched tightly in hand.

“You know I’m not good at that stuff, Lise. Being on _display_...”

His hand wrapped lightly around her wrist as he dabbed the ointment to her palm and he could feel the low thrum of anxiety in her pulse. 

“I thought you'd be okay wit’ it.” She whispered.

“I just- I don’t think that I am.” He husked, regrettably.

Lise tugged her hand back into her lap at once, her palm still shiny with cream. The first-aid kit clattered to the floor as he sat back to look at her. 

Her eyes were so cloudy and full of disappointment. _In him._

“It took us _months_ to tell Kelly, _none_ of my family knows who you are, my colleagues don’t even know that you _exist_... I mean, what are we even doing?"

“Lise-“

She stood swiftly, the air in the tiny room swirling, leaving his skin cold. 

“I _want_ people to know.” He said with purpose.

She looked back at him from the doorway, her face a mask of dark shadows and waited for him to finish. Somehow she'd known he wasn't done.

“I _do_. Just... at a pace I can handle.”

“I don’t think you can handle _any_ pace, John. I think we’re at a standstill in more ways than one, and we have been for a while.”

She walked out of the room and he could hear her back in the kitchen, the slam of cabinets and clatter of cutlery unbearably loud. The noise slowed and stopped, silence overtaking the small apartment and he sat for a moment longer, eyes closed, steeling himself before standing to put the first aid kit away. He flipped off the light and left the bathroom.

He found her at the kitchen table, angrily stabbing a fork into a plate of rubbery pasta, knuckles white and shoulders tense. There was a second plate opposite him, a pile of pasta and alfredo sauce steaming in the shallow bowl. 

She looked so small and... _defeated_. So unlike the woman he knew deep down in his marrow. He wanted to wrap her up in his arms and squeeze her tightly but instead he sat, gingerly picking up his fork.

”Tell your parents we’ll go.”

She didn’t look up from her meal, just continued to transfer forkfuls of food from plate to mouth.

It was too little, too late. As usual.

“Arrêtez, Cardinal..”

They finished their meal in a tense silence, Lise’s eyes never lifting from the table. As soon as she finished eating, she tossed her plate into the sink and stood awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen.

”I'm going to bed,” she pointlessly exposited. “Stay, leave... do whatever you want. _You usually do._ ”

_Shit, she was really mad at him._

He wanted to stay, wanted a chance to explain himself; his fears and his worries but the words were stuck in his chest, trapped under the weight of her sudden and apparent need to get away from him. He simply nodded instead.

And then she was gone, the soft click of the closing door echoing in his ears.

\-------------------------

For once, Cardinal didn’t flee.

He gave her a little while to prepare for bed, alone and spent the time it took to clean up the kitchen, deciding to wash the dishes by hand instead of depositing them in the dishwasher.

After twenty minutes or so, he knocked lightly on the door and let himself in. The room was dark, save for the city lights casting their usual bluish tint against the four walls and he could just make out the outline of her small frame, bundled up on her side of the bed. It hit him then, that they were couple enough to have their 'own sides' of the bed... _When had that happened?_

He toed off his shoes and stripped down to his boxers before quietly slipping under the covers beside her.

He knew he was in the doghouse, knew he should just let her be and try to get some sleep yet he found himself inching closer towards her, sliding his palm over the curve of her small waist, allowing it to splay heavily across her stomach. He figured she was already asleep so when she turned slowly in his arms his heart began to pump just a just a little quicker than before. Their faces were so close together that the tip of her petite nose actually brushed his and he looked into her eyes, silently saying everything he couldn’t seem to with words:

 _'I’m sorry_.'

 _'You’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me and I’m_ _scared that I might just be the worst that’s ever happened to you._ '

_'You deserve better.'_

_'Forgive me?'_

Her eyes scanned him for what felt like a century; reading, searching—for what, he couldn’t be sure of. Somehow, he knew she wouldn’t find it... coming up empty once more.

He cupped her face, brushing his thumb lightly across her bottom lip before leaning in to capture it with his own. She didn’t respond right away, just allowed him to sip from her mouth. Eventually, he ran his tongue along the seam of her lips, seeking entrance and she finally granted him the access he so desperately yearned for, feeling her breathe shakily against his mouth. He swallowed each hot gust of air, laving her tongue with his own. 

“ _I’m still mad at you.”_ She murmured, gazing up at him through dark lashes.

He pressed a sad smile to her chin.

”I know.” He husked.

They stared at each other for another long beat before his hands began to drift lower down her body, gently tugging at the waistband of her panties. She took control, shimmying them down the length of her legs and then moved to pull the oversized t-shirt over her head. He followed her lead and made quick work of shedding what little clothing he had on as well. 

When their bare bodies reunited they remained chest to chest and Cardinal gently eased her right leg up and over his hip with his hand behind her knee to widen her stance.

”Condom?” He questioned.

She shook her head. 

“Non, I just want _you_.”

He kissed her again, harder, her words eliciting something ripe and primal deep down in his gut.

It wasn't like they hadn't gone condom-less before, she was on the pill, but for the most part they were both mindful and responsible adults so it didn't happen all that often.

Taking himself in hand, he positioned the tip of his hardened length at her entrance and heard her gasp quietly, sucking in air as his cock pressed up against where she was hot and wet for him. He wanted so badly to just thrust deep inside of her in one quick, long stroke—feel just how much she wanted him...

She thread her fingers through his hair, tugging at the short strands at the nape of his neck.

 _"Go slow."_ Her voice was thick with emotion and he simply nodded, his forehead pressing heavily against hers as she clung to him.

And _that_ was exactly why he _hadn't_ followed his baser instincts.

Cardinal knew his partner, knew her body and the way it spoke to him, knew the tone of her voice and the meaning behind each careful ministration... he'd known instantly that it would be a night of slow lovemaking by all of these markers.

He would give her what she needed—the bedroom seemed to be the only place he could manage that...

When he finally pressed into her, it was a thick slide of heat that had her gasping. He hefted her leg higher up his waist to accommodate himself and felt her bite into his shoulder in response. He hummed, a mix of pain and pleasure and pushed slowly, only to retreat even slower, continuing with the shallow rocking of hips, settling himself further and further inside of her until he was seated entirely, filling her to the hilt.

" _Fuck_." She whimpered, quietly.

"God, you're so _tight._.."

She rolled her hips, encouraging him to move and he did but not in the way she expected. He turned their bodies slightly, tilting her onto her back so he could rest on his elbows above her.

He groaned at the feeling of being so entirely consumed by her and pressed tighter against her hips, pinning her to the mattress. She whimpered into his neck, breathing out a shaky exhale as he began to move. It was slow and steady and she hitched her legs up to cross her ankles at the small of his back, holding him close.

" _John_ ," she whined as he kept rolling his hips, a slow grind that had her nails digging into his shoulder blades.

"I love hearing you say my name like that," He mumbled into her neck.

Leveraging himself up on one elbow, he reached between them, curling his fingers between her legs and slipped wide circles around her clit, spreading her wetness. The sound of it was indecent in the stillness of her bedroom, his laboured breathing and the proof of her arousal, slippery and hot. She moaned, another stilted sound, bitten off in the back of her throat. It wasn't her typical moan of pleasure though and he abruptly slowed his pace.

“ _Lise, what? Tell me.”_

She averted her gaze to ceiling, refusing to look at him and shook her head. Her breath now coming out in shallow gasps and he watched a tear spill from the corner of her eye, gravity pulling it over the curve of her cheekbone and down into her hair.

“Lise...”

”I just- I...” She barely sounded like herself and for the first time since their relationship began, Cardinal felt truly scared. He was hurting her, that much was abundantly clear and if he kept up like this, he would lose her. Really, truly lose her.

He returned her gaze to his by tugging gently at her chin with his thumb and forefinger. She didn’t fight him, just looked up at him with mournful eyes. 

“I _hate_ that I love you, but I do, _love you_. You _have_ to know that.”

Cardinal’s heart skipped a beat.

His partner had never said those words aloud before. _Well, technically he’d heard her mutter them in her sleep a couple of months ago but she could have been dreaming about George Clooney for all he knew..._

Cardinal felt torn. He wanted to allow the immediate elation at her words, bubbling just below the surface to arise but it wasn’t that simple.

It wasn’t typical for such a heavy and meaningful expression to be spoken alongside a word like ' _hate'_ , was it? But it made sense to him _—_ the _hate._ Surely no woman dreamt of one day falling for a man like Cardinal; flighty, confused, heartbroken, disappointing... those weren’t traits one actively sought out in a lover and she absolutely deserved better.

Maybe Lise wasn’t the kind of person to dream of weddings or fairytale meet-cute’s but she _did_ crave a sense of stability and he was anything but stable. 

He didn’t know what to say or how to respond to such a declaration, so... he didn't.

They finished making love, slow and in total silence and when he finally removed himself from the warmth of her body and lay down beside her, she pressed her forehead to his, her skin damp and cool against his heated flesh. He tugged the blankets up and over her small shoulders to keep her warm and when she buried further down his chest, he wrapped his arms around her in a possessive kind of way. She drifted off to sleep without another word spoken and truthfully, Cardinal was just grateful that she was able to get some rest after such a tense evening. She needed it.

Cardinal hadn’t known it would ever be like this... Like she was shattering—like _he_ was the one breaking her apart into a million little pieces, just to put her back together again.

He lay awake for hours afterwards, wondering why making love to her that evening had felt like an ending of sorts—why it had felt like a _goodbye._

* * *

_ Now_

He's on the phone with the lead foreman of the construction company currently building his cabin when the other line goes.

He holds the device away from his face briefly to check the number and after registering his daughter's name, he lets it go to voicemail, turning his phone to silent. He's not in the mood for another argument; not when he's finally getting himself on the right track. He would call her back later, apologize for how things had transpired the other day and hopefully Kelly would understand—maybe she would even be proud of him once he explained his plans for the near future...

The call had lasted a little longer than expected but Cardinal felt satisfied with how things were coming along, especially now that he put the order in to speed up the process. Yes, it would be a bit over budget, but worth it in the end if they could get it done by Christmas— the holiday was just around the corner, only three months away and the man in charge said, barring little to no snags, he could have the place liveable by the first of December. 

After Cardinal hung up, he grabbed his keys, deciding to go take a look. After hearing how much progress they'd made already, his curiosity was more than piqued.

If he could make things right with his partner, maybe one day this cabin would be a place she would like to call home.

\--------------------

By the time he gets back to his apartment that evening, it’s dusk and he’s exhausted, his muscles stiff and achy. He’d done a lot of trudging around the property today, the terrain of the back country not nearly as accessible as the streets of Algonquin Bay...

As soon as he unlocks the door, he can see his phone light up on the kitchen table, the rest of the apartment otherwise remains shrouded in darkness.

 _Damn, he must have left it there by mistake._ He hadn’t even realized... he’d been so busy making sure every little detail before him was just right. He flicks on the overhead light and drops down into kitchen chair with a sigh, groaning at his popping joints.

The moment he taps his screen he knows something’s wrong. _Very_ wrong. 

His heart plummets to his stomach at the sheer number of missed calls from his daughter—thirty-one.

* * *

_Earlier That Morning_

” _Tabernak_.”

Lise cursed under her breath as she took in her ragged appearance in the bathroom mirror. She was running late and she looked like hammered shit. 

She ran her fingers through her tangled curls, aggressively tugging the short strands back into a low, tight bun, bobby-pinning the strays that refused to lie flat no matter how much hair spray she used. 

Lise was supposed to meet Kelly just around the corner for breakfast in—she checked her watch— fifteen minutes. _Shit_.

After pulling on her jacket and turning off the overhead light, Lise headed out the door, remembering to grab her cell phone off the kitchen counter last minute.

She’d slept in, which was completely unusual but not entirely surprising... Her life was a never ending cycle of high’s and low’s and sleep didn’t really factor into it anywhere. She certainly didn’t work to make time for it, only ever giving in to the exhaustion when her body forced it upon her. 

She trudged down the stairwell of her building, buttoning her coat as she went and was immediately met with the crisp and cool September air as she pushed through the exit door. Toronto wasn’t nearly as cold as she could only imagine Algonquin Bay was beginning to be. Surprisingly, she very much missed the biting, unbearable gusts of wind and the sound of fresh snow crunching beneath her boots.

Now, she found herself bustling along the dirty city streets with the rest of society, pounding the pavement, heading in to work. 

Lise was looking forward to seeing Cardinal’s daughter, though. The last time they’d spoken she’d had to break the news to the girl about... everything that had transpired between her and her father. Lise asked that she not to be too rough on him when they spoke and Kelly had scoffed.

“Like hell I won’t. He needs to be held accountable for his actions sometimes. He gets away with far too much...”

Lise’s phone pinged in her pocket, bringing her back to reality and she reached her gloved hand in to grab it. Upon tapping the screen she was immediately met with a missed call notification from none other than Cardinal himself, a text had apparently followed suit. She checked the timing on it and was quite surprised to see ‘4:30AM’.

What the hell was he doing calling her at four-thirty in the morning?

She unlocked her phone, and entered the four digit passcode to access her voicemail. But when the message played there was no voice, just a scuffling sound and then silence, ending shortly thereafter with a soft ‘click’.

Lise frowned, glancing up from the device to register the crosswalk before her and went back to checking her texts.

There was only one and it simply read: “I aman sych an idiot”

And as pissed off as she was at him, Lise couldn’t help herself, she smirked. She knew right away that he must have been drinking. He used to drunk text her occasionally when they were just platonic partners and he was having a particularly rough evening going over paperwork, alone and running himself ragged. It was usually case related, never anything promiscuous — to Lise's great disappointment...

Cardinal wasn't a big texter to begin with and far too often he left his phone at home or in the car. It drove her nuts.

* * *

_Now_

His blood pumps heavily in his ears as he calls in to his voicemail.

” _Daddy?"_ His daughter's voice rings out, frantic and full of fear.

Alarm bells go off immediately—she hasn't called him _'_ _daddy'_ since she was a little girl _._

It’s- it's Lise... there’s been an accident. They're airlifting her to Mount Sinai, I’m on my way there now. _Call me as soon as you get this!_ ” 

His daughter's fear is contagious and he can feel himself quickly becoming overwhelmed by the feeling.

 _Consumed_.

* * *

_Earlier That Morning_

As she crossed the street she thought about texting him back... about typing out a message in agreement to his statement, because yes, he _was_ being an idiot... but she wouldn't. She couldn't. They were over. She had to find a way to move on.

Just the thought made her stomach churn. She wasn't sure when, but at some point during their partnership, Cardinal had become her _everything;_ her main source of joy and yes, OK... _heartache_... He was her best friend, they conversed without words and the ones they did use carried meaning. She thought of an evening not all that long ago where they were arguing in her kitchen about her cousin's wedding. Lise had burnt her hand when she grabbed the pot without thinking and Cardinal was at her side within seconds. He'd transitioned seamlessly from frustrated to concerned, checking the severity of the abrasion.

And then he had called her ' _honey_ '. 

She could still remember the way her heart had fluttered against the cage of her ribs. The term of endearment sounded so... domestic. So comforting and... _right._ And Cardinal being Cardinal, hadn't even recognized what he'd said or why she was smiling up at him, her cheeks undoubtedly flushing a bright, rosy pink. 

That night had also been the last time they would ever make love again.

God, she missed him _so much_ already. How was she going to do this? How could she be expected to move on when half her heart was with someone else?

Suddenly Lise heard a familiar voice shout her name and she peeled her eyes away from the screen in front of her, glancing upwards to take in the busy intersection she had somehow found herself in the middle of.

Lise didn’t have any time to register the _why’s_ or the _how’s_ of the situation, she only had a millisecond as she watched the white minivan head directly towards her.

_But as it turns out, a millisecond is a lot longer than most people probably realize, especially when you are nearing the end of your life._

She used that time to think of him. To watch their lives together play across her vision like a movie...

\--------------------

_"You're kidding, she just transferred", "I'm glad to be working on this with you."_

_"If I ask a guy five questions before he asks one back, well then he's a douche and you just squeaked in under the wire.", "What's your rule about answering?"_

_"Have you never been with a musician?", "No, you?", "One or two..."_

_"What, is this a pain contest? Because I concede.", "You are an asshole. To answer your question."_

_"Tell me you didn't know they would leave explosives, tell me you didn't know an officer would die. Tell me that much!", "It sounds like you have your answers."_

_"John? It's okay, look at me, it's okay. John! Stay with me, no you can't go anywhere..."_

_"You wouldn't do it for money, it's not who you are. But you'd do it for Catherine," "I need her."_

_"Things shouldn't be hard for you.. because of- because of this.", "It's too late for that."_

_"You stay here long enough, you'll know 'em too.", "Well, I'm not going anywhere."_

_"Don't come in tomorrow. Take the weekend, and come back when you're ready to work with me!"_

_"Why are you telling me this?", "Because it's not enough that I believe it. I need you.”_

_"You're okay to drive that way?", "Are you going to arrest me?"_

_"We waiting on our snowmobile thief?", "Wanna keep me company?"_

_"You remember I spoke to my old colleague in Toronto...", "You got the job?"_

_"What I, uh- what I should have said.. earlier...", "Do you want to come inside?"_

_"Wanna go over it?", "Yeah, come in."_

_"That was another life.", "But you could start a new one?"_

_"Don't let it get personal.", "You can't say that to me."_

_"I uh- I don't want you to leave...", "I know."_

_"You think you'll make it back up soon?", "I don't know. May be better if you come down."_

_ “I just want us to be us without... an audience. I want a little more time, just you and me.”, "Okay." _

_ "I hate that I love you but I do, love you." _

_“I can't be the only one in this, John, I can't struggle to hold us together while you’re busy figuring out what it is that you want.”, " You knew who I was when we started this, Lise.”_

_“I can change.”, ”No, Cardinal, you can’t.”_

\--------------------

Lise recalls his minty, woodsy scent... the sight of his shy, stifled smile... the feeling of his strong arms wrapped around her; warm and secure and in the end, it's his voice she hears when everything goes dark...

" _Oh honey, this doesn't look good..."_

_\-------------------_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew this was a mammoth of a chapter. I thought long and hard about splitting it up into two but it just didn't feel right. There were a few bits that I seriously thought of cutting out just because it seemed a bit much (I tend to over explain and run off into unnecessary plot points...) anyways, I hope you guys like it! By Night should be getting the next update and then hopefully some little Christmas ficlets to lift your spirits! <333

**Author's Note:**

> I am unfortunately VERY aware that I have multiple WIP’s right now and starting a new one seems chaotic and messy but those two words describe me to a T... so, I’m sure no one is surprised by this turn of events.


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